I am not OK with what is happening. Just because there are no tears doesn't mean I don't feel emotion or that the sting of hurt is any less. You don't have the right to see the parts of me that I don't want to share. I should have the right to be able to chose who I share my life with. Privacy matters and is valuable, It's a basic right that EVERYONE is entitled to.
There is nothing wrong with me or the choices I have made. I don't regret who I am or the things I have done. I've never asked for anyone's approval on how I should live my life.
We all have choices. We can impact one another directly with our actions and presence. I like to think that I have the courage to stand by my convictions and remain strong, but it's growing harder everyday. It becomes especially difficult when the person and people you care for can't be there for you and you know it's not by their choice.
Please give me the opportunity to build my relationships freely with
whoever I choose. Give me the freedom to express my thoughts and share
laughs, memories and stories with my friends. Talking is a basic building block used to form relationship and right now I can't establish foundations that are necessary to build and maintain friendships.
After spending a large amount of time in this virtual world and meeting people in a real life I can't help but call the people I've meet friends. Being around them feels like home. There is an acceptance and understanding I've only felt during short periods of my life and I don't want to lose that. These friends come from all over the world and have many differences but we all share a few similarities; mainly the love of music.
I don't want to indirectly cause harm to anyone, which is why I have chosen to push people away. My actions are deliberate to not impact anyone around me. I want to protect my friends from having their privacy invaded simply by talking with me and sharing a story or laugh. I don't want a careless word to be muttered from my lips or anyone else's, to impact someone indirectly. My life isn't a joke or game and neither is yours. No one should have to experience this.
It isn't easy to just ignore all that is happening around me and continue with my life. I didn't ask for this. I wouldn't have chosen it. I just want freedom for myself and my friends. How would you react or handle yourself if you were placed in the same situation? Would you be defensive? Would you build walls up so high only few who were brave could get in? Would you listen to lies and fall back into a false sense of security? Would you be resentful? Would you stand your ground?
I know this has impacted me deep to my core. I'll never feel like I have the same opportunities as everyone else. I'm already at a disadvantage because so much of myself has been given without my consent. I will always be left wondering and looking over my shoulder and questioning people's motives. I may never truly feel safe.
I have unanswered questions mainly, Why and How long and for what purpose. We're past the point of denying or covering up. I want restitution for what has been done and the ability to heal in private. I want the freedom to love and I want to make sure this NEVER happens to anyone else.